088 - What If We Should Stop Teaching Our Kids To Do This?

In this episode, we explore a common piece of advice that many of us grew up hearing—a lesson we were told was essential for our success. It’s something we've likely been encouraged to teach our children, too. 

But after a recent eye-opening experience, I’m questioning whether this age-old wisdom is still relevant. Could it be that we've been teaching our kids the wrong thing? And if so, what could be a better approach? Tune in to discover what this "one thing" is and explore a new perspective on how we guide our children's development.

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Transcript

There's one thing that people often push us to teach our kids.  When we were growing up, many of us may have been told, that's the one thing we need to do.  We were taught this.  But recently, I had a harrowing experience that made me think, what if we should stop teaching kids to do that one thing? Now, what is that thing, and what could be a better approach?

Find out in this episode. 

Welcome to Discerning Parenting, the podcast for parents of kids age 12 and under who have learned the hard way that a one-size-fits-all all approach to parenting won't shift the needle for you, your child, or your family. Together, We'll explore intentional strategies that see both you and your kids thrive. 

Parenting strategies based on well-conducted research in the areas of child development, brain science, and neurodiversity need practical for you.  What if you let go of perfect and embrace discerning parenting in your family instead?  If you feel like you've been stumbling your way through. And you're ready to leave behind fight or flight mode parenting.

Then this is the podcast for you.  I'm Dr. Victoria Ang-Nolasco, developmental and behavioral pediatrician and positive parenting coach, on a mission to help you release your parenting guilt,  so you can become laser focused on what will truly work for you.   

A couple of weeks ago, the automatic braking system of my car broke down in the middle of a busy street. Imagine how scared I was that there would be an accident.  But I was only a few meters away from a huge commercial complex that had several buildings, a huge half-empty parking lot, and imagine the automatic braking system of my car broke down, and thankfully there were car repair shops there. 

With a lot of prayers and the kindness of surrounding drivers who cleared the way for me, I managed to enter the complex safely and stop the car without anyone getting hurt.  Imagine my relief.  But immediately I was accosted by three armed guards who drove me away. Why? Because it turns out, I entered not through the entrance, but through the exit of the parking lot.

I told them it was an emergency. I begged them not to force me to take the car back to the street because I was afraid of causing an accident.  But my pleas fell on deaf ears. They insisted, it's our protocol. And you know what they said next?  It continues to bother me until now. They said, we don't care if there's an accident.

We don't care if someone dies. We're just doing our jobs.   Understandably, it was frustrating. It was a potentially dangerous experience. Someone could really have gotten hurt.  But I realized this goes way beyond what I experienced personally.  The guards weren't bad people. They are hard-working people who, like everyone, were taught from an early age that it's bad to deviate from rules and order and protocol.

 And this is ingrained so deeply in our brains. That it's difficult to shift. And in this episode, I propose that we should stop teaching our kids to do this one thing. Simply obeying without question. Simply doing the job.  Never deviating from rules.  When we were kids, Many of us were repeatedly told you need to obey without question.

Until today, many people have told me that I need to teach my child to obey immediately, without delay, and without question. Many parents I work with are still told that blind obedience to rules, doing the job without question, are things they need to  ingrain in their kids. And it's causing them a lot of stress, frustration, and inner turmoil because it doesn't sit well with their own values.

 Now, there are some that are naturally nonconformists.  They may question these orders. But ever since childhood, these nonconformists,  these students, People who question the rules would be labeled the naughty ones, the problematic ones, the ones who need to be punished and even spanked.  And as a result, we now have a society where nearly everyone is focused on just doing the job. 

But is this really what will help our kids thrive? What if the biggest obstacle to progress, the one that is most difficult to overcome, becomes  Is this idea that we need to stick to just doing the job and nothing else?  How often have you been this close to solving a problem,  but you were blocked? Not by someone who is out to get you, but by someone who's just doing their job. 

How often have you had the brilliant idea that was killed off by a boss, a colleague, a teacher, or a friend who was just doing the job in a mechanical way?  Being guided by protocol rather than higher principles of what will actually be helpful for everyone.  

As journalist Sydney Harris says,  The danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men  will begin to think like computers.  That's what happens when people just do their jobs. And this has stalled progress time and again.  I'll bet that for every accident or tragedy, we'll find behind it someone who was just doing the job.

We like to find villains we can blame, whether it's forces of nature beyond our control, or people who may have deliberately done something wrong, and we're not excusing their actions in any way. But perhaps the problem wouldn't have gotten so big without all the people who Like the security guards I encountered didn't care about anything else as long as they did their jobs.

They didn't even care if people got hurt.  If you're listening to this podcast, then you are playing an important role in shaping the next generation. This is a call to develop in our kids, in the next generation, in our spheres of influence.  The kind of discernment and flexible thinking that allows everyone to effectively respond to situations not covered by manuals and protocols. 

Decades ago, psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg studied how moral reasoning develops in kids. He identified three stages of moral reasoning. In the first stage, called pre-conventional morality, the child sees whatever is punished as bad and whatever is rewarded as good.  In the second stage, called conventional morality, there's an emphasis on conformity and following the rules. 

In the third stage, post-conventional morality,  People have internalized ethics and values, values like justice, respect, and dignity.  This is the kind of discernment and ethical decision-making that we invent when we want our kids to develop when they grow up.  Unfortunately, when society fixates only on rules,  are we in effect creating a society where even adults,  are stuck at the stage of conventional morality?

 Maybe even adults become unable to understand that maybe the situation is already beyond what's covered in the manual or protocol.  Everyone ends up blindly following rules or authority, even when it doesn't make sense anymore.  What if we should stop teaching our kids to just do their job?  Instead, I propose three things we can do.

 First, Give your kids permission to break protocol and allow risk-taking. Teach them it's okay to make mistakes and learn from them. It's okay to experiment.  Second, show them through your stories of your own experiences and through example, the kind of values and moral responsibility. We want them to have. 

Let's also model going beyond just doing the job, going beyond protocol, and being discerning.  Third, let's create for our kids. The kind of safe space where creativity can thrive so they grow up to be the kind of people who will go beyond obstinately doing their jobs,  obstinately following protocol, even if it may already be harmful.

 If you have a child who's below six,  And you would like practical step-by-step guidance on parenting your child in a way that builds, not blind obedience, but prepares them for decision-making and having an inner sense of right and wrong, check out my books.  Head over to discerning parenting.com/books, or you can take a look at Amazon.

They're available both Kindle and print books. Both of my books, toddler Talking Boost Your Child's Development, and The Discerning Parents Guide the Toddler Behavior. Both of them talk about building critical thinking skills.   If we develop this kind of moral courage, discernment, and flexible thinking in our kids, imagine what an impact we can create. 

20 years ago, 10-year-old Tilly Smith was at the beach in Phuket, Thailand. She saw the water getting frothy and sizzling, just like in a frying pan. And she thought, those are the exact warning signs of a tsunami they just learned about in geography class.  She told her dad, and her dad approached a security guard and said, This is going to sound crazy,  but my daughter is convinced a tsunami is coming. 

Now think of how much courage and flexible thinking it took for Tilly to speak up.  Imagine, too, how much courage and flexible thinking and going beyond the job it took for that security guard and the hotel staff to believe a 10-year-old and evacuate everyone from the beach.  Now that tsunami killed over 200, 000 people, but on that beach, not a single life was lost.

Many parents are worried about the kind of growing up in. For more UN videos visit www.  un. org  When it comes to parenting in the digital age, one of the most common questions we hear is this. What skills can we build in our kids that will remain relevant with all the technological advances? 

I predict,  As artificial intelligence gets more and more advanced, this ability to go beyond just doing the job will be more and more essential.  Those who stick to mechanically doing the job may become irrelevant in the future.   As journalist Sydney Harris said, the real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.

So let's not train our kids to just think like computers. That's what happens when people just do their jobs, and this has stalled progress time and again.  Think of just how much we can change society if there are enough of us choosing to encourage in our kids, not blind obedience, but creativity and discernment. 

There will be an entire generation that will go beyond just doing their jobs. It's this kind of parenting we advocate for in our books. Check them out at discerningparenting. com slash books. And next week we talk about our next book that's coming out.  The title is Learning by Heart, Teach Your Child to Read Stress Free. 

We're all so excited about this. In this book, we advocate teaching reading in a way that will equip kids with future-ready skills of thinking for themselves and having a deep love for learning. Reading that goes beyond just doing the job, just doing the worksheet, just completing the homework,  but in a way that will truly equip them for the future.

 📍 If you haven't already, be sure to follow the Discerning Parenting podcast. So you'll be the first to know when the book comes out and we'll see you again next time.