072 - Asking This One Question Will Change The Way You Deal with Toddler Tantrums

"You need to show who's boss!"
"You shouldn't say no to your child!"
"Ignore them!"
"Validate feelings!"

You've probably heard A LOT of tantrum advice. What's a stressed parent to do?!

Each time I ask moms what's their number one concern, it's always "tantrums" that come up. That’s why in this episode, we’ll talk about the ONE thing missing from a lot of the advice on the internet, and ONE question to ask when your child has a tantrum.

Answering this ONE question will help us discern whether all the advice we're hearing makes sense.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER: 

• Why tantrum parenting is a lot more nuanced than a trendy Instagram Reel.
• Why “just keep calm” isn't working for you (and it's not your fault!).
• The ONE question that will change the way you look at tantrum parenting forever!

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Transcript

You know that moment when you're watching a horror movie and you just know that something bad is about to happen and you want to tell the movie's, heroes, stop. Don't go in there, but you're just glued to your seat watching, unable to do anything. Being in the middle of a toddler tantrum can feel that way.

You see the signs that your toddler is about to have a tantrum, then you wish there were something you can do, but you just can't stop it. There's that scrunching of the nose and the whims that go on to become full blast wailing, and before you know it, if this is a public tantrum, you're getting those disapproving stairs, those judgemental noises.

And as one mom told me, I was so embarrassed and it felt like I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me and my. If that's you, you're not alone. Every time I survey my audience, the number one concern that comes up is tantrums. If you've been following all the accounts [00:01:00] on Instagram that talk about tantrums, but it feels like nothing's working, and you're starting to question yourself, does this gentle parenting thing really work?

Am I doing it wrong? Why is my child still having tantrums? Am I a bad parent? Then you'll love this. We'll talk about the one thing that's missing from a lot of the tantrum advice that's on the internet, and one question to ask when your child has a tantrum that can transform how you deal with it.

 Asking this one question will help diffuse a lot of the things that feel like power struggles and may even help prevent tantrums in the future. Are there days you feel you've had it with the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, the constant fatigue of trying to keep up with an active baby? Does it feel like you're always working so hard as a parent trying to do everything for your kids and family, and yet it never feels.

 We get it. You love your child more than anything, and yet parenting is also exhausting and challenging, especially when you're bombarded with criticism and pressure to be the perfect parent, which spoiler alert does not exist. That's why we created Discerning Parenting, the podcast that helps you cut through the noise and focus on what truly matters in your parenting.

This podcast is jam-packed with valuable insights and practical tips, specifically tailored for parents of kids age five and below. So join us and discover how you can use the combined power of science, knowing your child and your own intuition in making the best parenting decisions for you and your family once upon the. I was your child. I still have childhood memories of my tantrums ruining the day for my whole family, whether it's a trip to the park or a lovely Christmas dinner. Then for reasons I don't even remember, I would suddenly have a tantrum and then my parents will whisper to me, stop it. What will people think?

And again and again, I felt like I ruined the day for all of us. And I love my parents dearly, and I know they love me dearly. They're wonderful parents who always tried their best, but maybe it would have made their lives easier if back then we knew what we know now about how kids brains work. Fast forward to when I studied psychology in college.

Then went on to specialize in pediatrics after medical school, and I learned that tantrums are a normal part of child development. It was like a big thorn was pulled from my chest because all those years ago I realized I wasn't being a naughty child. I did not single-handedly ruin our family's happy times.

Then during my training in developmental and behavioral pediatrics, I had another epiphany, had my parents known about a few simple techniques. My tantrums didn't have to destroy what could have been magical and meaningful family moments. And of course, none of this was my parents' fault because we didn't know these things back.

Also, while I was growing up, I felt that my parents were the only ones struggling with tantrums because of me. And it's only now that I realized almost all parents do fight the same battles that my parents did back then. And that's why one of my passions is to help parents deal with their kids' behavior.

In my clinic, I help parents of my patients deal with their child's tantrums, and then I scored the internet for resources that would continue to guide them step by step after they leave the clinic because tantrums aren't something that we can just talk about in the clinic, and then everything is going to be fine, but there needs.

Continued guidance, but I couldn't find any that truly outlined a clear and easy to follow plan based on developmental science and the research about behavior, and that's why I decided to create Effective Parenting Academy that also has resources about handling behavior problems such as toddler, their tent rooms.

If we look at a lot of the tantrum advice on the internet, it mainly falls into these categories. The first category would be scripts or actions that you can memorize, so you can say them to your child during a tantrum. Or the second category would would be advice like just keep calm or don't give in, or sometimes maybe just ignore it.

Just practice gentle parenting or any advice that sounds like that. Now I completely respect the people in the parenting space who say, Because it's really difficult to get the nuanced approach from a short Instagram post. It's just not that simple. So just keep calm or just don't give in. If these things don't work for you, just imagine it.

Your adrenaline is running. It's hard to think during a toddler tantrum, and it's hard for our kids to think too. When your kids are having a tantrum, their brains are in fight or flight mode. They may simply not absorb anything we're saying. No matter how nice or well-intentioned you are, or no matter how well we've memorized the scripts that we saw on Instagram.

Have you ever experienced feeling so stressed and then somebody popped in and said, Hey, chill. Just relax now. Did anything like that ever help you relax? Now, speaking from my own experience, it never did for me. Now, if we look at what these strategies have in common, what is it They focus on? What to do during a tant.

But handling tantrums isn't just about what we do when there's a tantrum, but what we do the rest of the time is even more important. And this is understandable that advice would be like this, why? It's not just us, but society as a whole is not comfortable with what we think of as negative emotions. As parents, we love our kids deeply, and of course we don't want to see them happy.

But tantrums are part of development. Think of it, when your child first learned to walk, did your child just get up and start walking perfectly right away? Of course not. Your child kept falling down over and over until they got it right. [00:08:00] And the same thing goes for emotional regulation. While our toddlers are still learning emotional regulation, they will keep on falling.

Falling. What falling is to a child who's learning to walk. Those would be tantrums to a child who's learning emotional regulation. But remember, if you have any worries about your child's tantrums, speak with a professional about it. This is not to provide a diagnosis and whether or not there is a diagnosis, support and intervention can.

For problems with development or behavior. And also if we keep focusing only on what happens during a tantrum, we can end up guilty and frustrated and feeling like we're feeling We can end up feeling trapped in a vicious cycle, and then the tantrums will escalate and then we just feel helpless. So instead, what do we do when faced with a tantrum?

Do this. Let's not scramble to say the script that we just memorized, or let's not rush to fix things and just observe. Now, of course, we need to make sure that your child and others around are safe. We don't want your child or anybody else to get hurt in the middle of a tantrum. So observe, then ask this one.

Is there any demand on my child right now that my child is not equipped to handle? Now, this is a huge question and there are so many situations where we can answer this question in different ways. In this episode, I'd just like to give two examples of demands that toddlers and young kids may not be equipped to handle.

So the first example, Maybe you're at a toy store and your child throws a tantrum. She wants one toy and another, and another. She's asked for 23 different toys and has thrown a tantrum because you won't buy the entire toy store and bring it home. You can feel the stairs of those strangers whom you feel have labeled your child as spoiled.

And the phrase power struggle is running through your mind, but is it really about your toddler wanting more? Is it really about your toddler showing she's more powerful than you because she can get you to buy any toys she wants if only she screams long enough. Instead, ask the question, is there any demand that she's not equipped to handle?

Then observe the situation at the toy store. Bright lights, rows, and rows and rows of brightly colored toys. Maybe several toys are making different noises all at once, or kids are running and playing all over the place too. Maybe other kids are crying. Maybe your kid is already tired from the shopping trip or it's nearly lunchtime.

All these can be too much. For your child to handle all at one time, becoming a demand that your child isn't equipped to handle without these demands, maybe your child can just look at the toys and choose one or handle your no and move on. But if you add on all of these different demands, then it can become too much for your child.

So what do we. Based on that question and on your observations, maybe the best thing to do would be to bring your child to a calmer place so that we remove all of those overwhelming sensory demands. It would depend on the situation in your observation. And here's another example situation. You're doing a writing worksheet with your four year.

And your four year old is supposed to copy some words on a sheet of paper or maybe trace some letters of the alphabet. Then he throws a tantrum. He says, no, I don't want to. And before you know it, it feels like you're locked in the power struggle again. Observe the situation is that worksheet at demand that a typical four year old is supposed to be able to handle.

Now I know all over the internet you're going to see that worksheets like these are marketed to parents of toddlers and very young kids. But if you look at researches of hand skills of preschoolers, their fine motor control hasn't developed well enough to write all the letters of the Alpha bat yet. So this is still a struggle for them.

So it may be better. To diffuse the situation by removing that demand in this situation. I know everybody is going to say, don't give in. You have to make the toddler do it, but that specific advice will apply if it is a developmentally appropriate demand, and that's why we need to discern is this demand developmentally appropriate or not?

We need to look at child development. And then to prevent the tantrum happening again. Choose a task that is age appropriate and that will bring a positive learning experience. So instead of constantly trying to stop tantrums when they happen, when we just try to stop tantrums when they happen, it's like trying to fix a leaky tap by covering the faucet.

I. We can and should challenge our kids to learn in ways that are beyond their comfort zone. Yes, we do need to challenge them, but not in ways that are setting them up to fail. Now, I know there's a lot of pressure on parents to push the kids to do things at earlier and earlier ages, but if we do this, we'll work against your child's brain and if we.

To address tantrums at the source, we need to work with your child's brain and not against it. A lot of advice on helping kids learn will require you to work against your child's brain, and this leads to exhaustion and frustration and feelings of failure and even depression. Then parenting ends up feeling like it's always an uphill struggle, like we're carrying a boulder up a mountain.

But if we work with our kids' brains and respect them where they are now, it'll feel more like riding a bike on level ground. Now, definitely it's not going to be perfect. No child is a hundred percent tantrum free, but this time it's no longer a minute to minute struggle. And when we do this, when we challenge our kids in ways that are age appropriate, this sets up your child for success, and it gives them experiences that they can learn from rather than teaching them that no matter how hard they try, they can never measure up to the expectations of the people around them and to continue learning more.

Child development and discerning what is developmentally appropriate, what is right for you and your child in your situation. Follow the Discerning Parenting Podcast and also check out our other resources too. And this is the underlying principle behind our podcast and also our programs and our courses.

Finally, recently, I had a conversation with my mom, and then she said, no, you didn't have tantrums when you were a child. You were such an angel. So I guess she remembers my childhood completely differently, and who knows? Maybe someday decades from now you'll remember this time of your child's life differently.

Now to help you answer this one question, is there any demand on my child right now that my child is not equipped to handle? Get my free guide handling toddler tantrums inside. There's a checklist of these demands that may just be too much for your toddler now. So we don't just fix tantrums when they've already blown up.

Also, When you are in the midst of a toddler tantrum, you the guide there also has an easy action plan for you that does not involve memorizing scripts. To get this guide, go to discerning parenting.com/toddler. That's discerning parenting.com/toddler where you can get this free P D F Guide and other resources for toddler parenting.

And I'll also link to this in your show notes. So be sure to check the show notes as. Remember, the information you get from this podcast is for your general guidance only, and it must never be considered a substitute for advice provided by a doctor, therapist, or other qualified medical professional who knows your child specifically in the next episode.

I've invited two other developmental pediatricians who are also parents to join me, and we're going to talk about the topic of toddler aggression, which I know is also a huge concern. Till then, don't forget to follow this podcast and leave a five-star review so you can help our show reach more parents who need it.