Are you wondering what it's like to be a parent of twins and if you have twins yourself, what are tips that can help us during those times? That there are a lot of demands on us as parents. Well, sometimes it can be hard to imagine what it's like to have twins, because even just managing one child or multiple children of different ages can already be a challenge.
What about two kids at the same age, especially during the time that their babies and young toddlers? That's why today I've invited Dr. Missy Wolfman, a clinical psychologist and founder of Empowerment Psychology. And a mom of twins to talk with us about this. Are there days you feel you've had it with the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, the constant fatigue of trying to keep up with an active baby?
Does it feel like you're always working so hard as a parent trying to do everything for your kids and family, and yet it never feels enough? We get it. You love your child more than anything, and yet parenting is also exhausting and challenging. Especially when you're bombarded with criticism and pressure to be the perfect parent, which spoiler alert does not exist.
That's why we created Discerning Parenting, the podcast that helps you cut through the noise and focus on what truly matters in your parenting journey. This podcast is jam-packed with valuable insights and practical tips, specifically tailored for parents of kids age five and below. So join us and discover how you can use the combined power of science, knowing your child and your own intuition in making the best parenting decisions for you and your family.
What of the common questions that parents have sent in is, can you give me tips about raising twins? Or there are questions like, My twins are always fighting. What can I do? And while in theory we do have. Our trainings about parenting strategies. I thought it would be wonderful to invite for a chat, Dr.
Missy Wolfman. She's the founder of Empowerment Psychology, and she specializes in helping moms. She's also a registered clinical psychologist, and she is the mom of twins. So, Dr. Missy can you tell us about yourself and about your twins also? Thank you Victoria, and thank you for inviting me in a podcast again.
I really enjoyed our last episode. So I'm a clinical psychologist based in New Zealand. I have my private practice and I also offer online course for moms. And I have twins. My twin girls are called Arian, Lexi. And they'll be turning five in August. So the, there's a saying, I don't know if that's a saying that you're familiar with, but there's a saying that the the years are short and the days are long, and it's definitely true for twins.
Wow. I can imagine having twins and having two babies who are simultaneously crying and then two toddlers who are simultaneously running in different directions. So I can imagine the special challenges that you had. So can you talk to us if there are any special challenges or any incidents or anything that you'd like to share about racing twins?
Sure. I think why don't we kind of start off from the beginning in terms of the pregnancy itself. Obviously I've never had a pregnancy with just one baby, but you know, talking to a lot of my friends who have twins as well as the singleton, they always talk about how being pregnant with twins is so much harder, right?
Cuz you're carrying two babies, you're just a lot more tired. It's just, More exhausting. And then also I guess from the medical perspective, you are at higher risk for complications during pregnancy as well as birth. So just by default of having plans, you're more likely to be considered high risk and you know, need more medical support or intervention.
So that's already the first. Very unique set of challenges as well as having twins. A lot of twins are born quite premature. My twins were born at 36 weeks and three days because there were identical twins, or they are identical twins. My team, obstetrician team thought it's best to induce a 36 week, three days.
Given that in New Zealand, they said that at 37 weeks, Identical twins. You kind of one them up earlier than later, given to again higher risk of complications. So they were not technically premature, premature, but compared to typical kind of singleton pregnancy, they were four weeks early. Right? So again, there were additional complications with that in terms of feeding, like breastfeeding babies, not just the one baby, but two babies who are a.
You know, were born early. They were not as developed in terms of their ability to kinda breastfeed and suck. And then also just their lower birth weight. You do need all the extra help that you know you can. And you only have two hands. Yeah. So what was it like then? Were you taking care of your twins by yourself?
Did you have help with caring for them? I, I was really lucky that my husband was able to take off a few weeks from work. And then my parents were also here from Indonesia. And so there were lots of hands-on support in terms of the bottle feeding, you know, the supplement or the extra top up feeding.
Yeah. That was a huge help. I can imagine. Yeah, exactly. And, and because again, I, I dunno how I would be able to cope with just me on my own trying to breastfeed. Babies and through the formula top up as well as changing diapers and everything in between. So I had a lot of hands on help and, and again, that's tip number two for all parents of twins is really, really ask for help.
You know, if someone offers you to help in any way, then just accept it because this is a very intense time and you do need that village. You do need that hands-on support, like all hands on deck. Yeah, I think that's true for all moms. But especially for a mom of twins. Yeah. Yes. How about when they reach for multiples?
Yeah, multiples. Or even two siblings where ages are quite close. Or actually, any mom would need a village because parenting isn't meant to be done on your own. Yes, definitely. How about later on when they became toddlers and then preschoolers? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so I think the unique challenges of toddlers, and again as you mentioned, the intro, We're going through a developmental stage at the same time.
And so, you know, when you're, you're breastfeeding doing that, you're doing the, the solid feeding, you know, introducing solids, you're doing that at the same time. So, you know, it's kinda like double the mess and double the cleanup Right. Of everything. I think the, the biggest challenge for me as a, when mom was probably potty training decided to do potty training together, which I don't know if that was a good idea or not a good idea to have two kids trying to train.
And again, that's, so did you have like two separate parties? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Two, two parties. Two of everything. And decided to just do the, you know, Turkey method of like, okay, I know now just let's go for, it was actually probably not. Not a good idea. Lots of cleanups and spills and messes and yeah.
But you know, we kind of got through it. And, and again, like when we go through a stage, it seems very intense at the time, but then it kind of goes over really quickly at the same time, so, yeah. Yeah, I think that's the main thing. It's like, it's very intense. It happens very probably quite long and at the same time quick, and then you're onto the next phase.
Wow. But I've also heard a lot of positive things about having twins. What positive things did you experience? I think initially just even having the attention was, was positive in a way. In terms of, you know, I, I have my twin babies and, and their twin stroller and wherever I went, it's just like, wow, you have twins?
And, and that kind of positive reaction from people was actually really nice. Especially being, you know, a mom and just on maternity leave and just having that. You know, constant like strangers coming up to you and like commenting and trying to have a conversation with you that was very, you know, very nice.
I know some, some twin moms don't. You know, do their own shopping or whatever, they just don't wanna talk to anybody. But for me, it felt really positive in a way that I felt like there was a community and, you know, people knew me and, and my babies. And also I think people are more willing to help as well, or just more able to go, Hey, do you need a hand?
Because they could clearly see I was struggling with two babies. And so that was really nice. It felt it felt like, You know, there were kind of more help around just from random people or I was in that space of I just need help. I don't really care as long as you help me. So that's a positive experience for me.
And I think the other one is definitely just. Watching this really strong, intense bond that my two daughters have with each other. They're very, very close and they've shared everything right from before they were born. And so just having this amazing kind of relationship that you can see blossom over time is.
Is really great. And, and they, they're like, you know, best buddies at the same time fighting over things, you know, the usual sibling rivalry. But I know that there's this very strong bond that you can see that, you know, a lot of twins have very strong bonds with each other. Right. And it's so to see that.
Yeah, that's wonderful. In fact, I've heard from some parents of twins is that at the start it's really much more challenging because you have two babies, two toddlers, but once they get to a certain age, it's nice to have twins because they can sort of occupy each other. So it might be less of a stress to make sure that there's somebody talking with them because they can talk with and engage with each other.
Yes, that's correct. Yeah. And I love how you talked about the bond between your twins, and I guess this goes not just for twins, but for siblings as well. Is, is there anything in particular that you think helped encourage that bond? Mm, I think for us and our family, because I, I, you know, obviously the sibling rivalry race, very typical.
It's, it's normal and common. What helps with the actual bonding is when they have time away from each other, right? Mm-hmm. So when they have that alone time with either myself with Aria or Aria with my husband, for example. And we try to do this every weekend when we have one-on-one time. Having that time apart from each other is actually really great for their bond because they, when they come back after a couple of hours apart, they, you know, they're so excited to see each other, you know, they just wanna share their things and they, they play better because they've had that time apart.
Cause they go to daycare together at the same time. So, you know, they're sharing everything. They're sharing all their teachers, they're sharing all their friends. And having that quality time one-on-one is so important. And actually that, that, you know, helped with their own bond with each other as well.
As a psychologist. Is there anything in particular about, let's say, the identity formation of twins? Because every child goes through a stage where they first learn that they are separate from mommy and then they learn their. They learn that they have their own identities, and they want to have autonomy.
Mm-hmm. Does having a twin, does being part of a set of twins or a set of multiples affect that? Like sometimes as you said, they go to school, they go to the same class, and then maybe their teachers and their classmates all associate them with each other. So would these affect how they form their identities?
That's such a good question. And actually that's something that. It relates to that question of the challenge, right? Of raising twins. And I have identical twins, and I think this is even more of a challenge when you have you know, two girls that look identical, or two boys that look identical.
It's a little bit different when you have twins, especially boy-girl pair. Because people could clearly see how they're different, right? But the issue that we come up over and over again with having identical twins, is people not recognizing who is Arian, who is Lexi. And when they were babies, obviously they don't even notice.
But now they're four and a half turning five. They're starting to become acutely aware when people, you know, mistake them for each other or don't know who you know, who they are, or just group them as. Together. Like they're starting to kind of get that concept of like, I dunno if I like this. And so I think the identity formation of having that ability of like I am, let's say Aria or I am Lexi and this is who I am without my sister, that becomes a little bit more kind of fraught and a little bit more challenging.
Especially with identical twins. And so that's why you know, we try hard to do the one-on-one. We try hard to now try to foster, their separate interests as well. Again, that's kinda difficult cause they do the same thing as well, but I think we're slowly starting to do that. We're trying to really encourage them to pursue their own interests.
Hobbies away from. The other sister kind of have that, you know, their own likes and dislikes, and we also encourage them, for example, you know, if Aria wants to do this, Lexi sometimes just try to follow her. And we, we try to kind of encourage her, like, do you really want to do this or do, is it because your sister is there?
And so that identity formation is definitely a lot more. It gets trickier, I think as they get older because they're a lot more aware Right? Of how people treat them as well. And I've talked to a few twin adults, right? And they said this is probably the biggest kind of challenge they've had to go through in their whole life, right?
Of how to be able to be their own person without theirs. Twin sister or twin brother. And some adult twins have told me that, you know, they have made intentional choices throughout their whole life of trying to separate away from the other sibling, whether that's moving to a different city or going to different schools or something.
You know, because at one point, they do need to branch out. Right. And have their own identity. Such a great question, Victoria. I'm glad you asked that. Oh, thanks, Stacy. That's really very interesting. Yeah. So you've shared with us several tips and experiences and insights about racing twins. Any other tips or anything else that you'd like to share?
Yeah, so definitely ask for help. And I think especially with having twins and multiple, you are more likely to experience stress burnout. Just, you know, just kind of being overwhelmed and, and that's really normal and really understandable given the extra demands that you have, especially if you have multiples.
And also other singletons and multiple kids. So again, that whole self-care is so important. And then make sure that you invest time in yourself because you're kind of pouring out a lot more when you have multiples, right? It's that kind, intense, very excess of mind, constantly that can really drain and deplete you as a mom.
So making sure that you take care of yourself is, is, is doubly and multiply important when you have twins or multiples. Yeah, so it's so nice to have Missy here because both of us have the mission of helping parents. So whether you have twins or multiple siblings or one child, or you're expecting. A baby is at different stages of parenting.
There's Dr. Missy's website, which she'll tell us about in just a bit. And there's also the Discerning Parenting Podcast where we focus on what science shows and we help you be a discerning parent so. You can remove what is the fluff and then you can focus on what science shows to matter. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Thank you. Victoria. Yeah. Can you tell us about your webs? Yes. So my website is Dub empowers nz. And I have lots of articles as well as the seven-day challenge to get you more time on online courses as well in terms of how to. To reduce stress, and get more time and joy as a mom, which I think is super important for all moms, not just friends in terms of how to invest time in yourself to make that you take care of yourself the best you can be.
Thanks so much, Dr. Missy. That's so inspiring. And we'll link to Dr. Miss's website in the show notes. And we also have a free parenting toolkit where you get resources, like activities, and tips to handle that. And if you. Want to get your child started in learning to read, even childproofing your home? So this is a parenting toolkit that will help parents of kids age five and below, whether you have twins or multiples or siblings or one child, or you're preparing for one child or one baby.
So head over to discerning parenting.com and get ahold of our free parenting toolkit. So thank you so much Dr. Missy for joining us today. I had a wonderful time chatting with you. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Thank you.